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Pop Culture Quiz: American Gladiator...or something Else?

Posted by Bryan

The landscape of Americana has been indelibly influenced by the long-running and now duplicated program celebrating the gladiatorial combat between modern Davids and Goliaths. To help clear the clutter that may obfuscate one's comprehension about which is or is not a true American Gladiator, the following link-filled guide is offered for your benefit.

• Ant Not a Gladiator. A comedian/reality TV personality.


• Agitator Not a Gladiator. A rabble-rouser, or clothes washing machine cycle.



• Anvil Not a Gladiator. A Manufacturing tool.


• Apache American Gladiator! Real name Ponca-sa. Seriously.



• Atlas American Gladiator! Insert obscure Ayn Rand quip here.


• Blast American Gladiator...kinda! (She's an alternate) Until she gets to "hang tough," she's paying bills as a fitness trainer.


• Blade American Gladiator! I have no memory of this guy whatsoever. I think someone's messing with me.


• Blaze American Gladiator!


• Blitz Not a Gladiator. A German WWII offensive, or defensive football strategy designed to result in the loss of yardage by the opponent.


• Bronco American Gladiator! I wouldn't have believed it if it weren't recorded as fact. Never heard of him. Bronco is considered by some (basically, me) to be the "John Elway of American Gladiators."


• Buddy Not a Gladiator. A poor mountain man who barely kept his family fed.


• Cerberus Not a Gladiator. A three headed dog.


• Cholera Not a Gladiator.An infectious gastroenteritis caused by the bacterium Vibrio cholerae.


• Chulik Not a Gladiator. Or a Contestant, yet.


• Cobra American Gladiator. Today, a MMA fighter with more losses than wins. It apparently isn't as easy when they're the same size and fight back.


• Commando Not a Gladiator. He only has a few hours to find his daughter kidnapped by an exiled dictator.
  
• Cougar Not a Gladiator. A North American mammal, also slang for an older woman interested in dating younger men.


• Crush American Gladiator! (Lists Jesus as her hero on her myspace page)


• Cyclone American Gladiator!



• Dallas American Gladiator! Helped increase ratings in the Texas viewing markets.


• Diamond American Gladiator! There's a video of her wrestling a man, but I'm not linking to it.
  
• Diesel American Gladiator! No relation to Vin. Possible vampire.


• Distemper Not a Gladiator. A viral disease that can affect dogs, cats, seals, and horses. With horses, it is known as Strangles, which would be a cool name for a Gladiator.


• Doc Not a Gladiator. One of the seven dwarfs.


• Eczema Not a Gladiator. A skin disorder that results in itching and dryness, crusting, flaking, blistering, cracking, oozing, or bleeding.


• Elektra American Gladiator. She's fluent in English, French, German, Italian, Spanish, sign language...and of course, head rollin'.


• Empire A state that extends dominion over populations distinct culturally and ethnically from the culture/ethnicity at the center of power.


• Enigma Not a Gladiator. A troubling riddle. Like, "How did American Gladiators stay on television all these years?"


• Executioner Not a Gladiator. However, he was the first judge/referee on AG, complete with the black hooded mask. I'm sure marketing got some focus group feedback on that gimmick and the executioner went to the chopping block.
  
• Flame American Gladiator!


• Flash American Gladiator! I don't remember him, but he makes me want to listen to the Queen sound track.


• Flume Not a Gladiator. An artificial water channel. In ancient times, used to deliver water to civilizations. Today, used primarily to deliver amusement park attendees in a log-shaped cart through a "splash zone."


• Force Not a Gladiator. In Physics, it causes mass to accelerate. In Catholicism, no such object exists to cause mass to accelerate. Force is also a Georgia Arena Football League Team.


• Fury American Gladiator! (She's also a structural engineer)


• Gemini American Gladiator! According to the Internet, which never lies, was once a contestant on Press Your Luck.


• Geyser Not a Gladiator. An erupting hot spring, spewing hot water and steam into the air. Like Old Faithful, or my kitchen faucet after my attempt to repair it.


• Glacier Not a Gladiator. A large, slow-moving river of ice formed by compacted layers of snow that deforms and moves in response to gravity. That probably isn't a great Gladiator name, unless the Gladiator was a really big, slow fat guy who only moved when he fell over accidentally when reaching for a cupcaked knocked out of his hand during the joust.


• Gold American Gladiator! Now resides in Overland Park, Kansas, quite possibly the only Gladiator able to claim as much.


• Gravel Not a Gladiator. A former Democratic Presidential candidate...or a collection of small rocks used in highway surfacing and other industrial tasks.


• Hammer American Gladiator...alternate.


• Havoc American Gladiator! His name is unknown to most, but I believe you will recognize him as Michael Strahan, from the World Champion New York Football Giants.


• Hawk American Gladiator! Can be seen on TV as Carmen Electra's bodyguard in the Ice Breaker's Ice Cubes commercial.


• Hellga American Gladiator!


• Hulk Not a Gladiator. A big green nuclear monster (actually, he is currently red) or a skulleted blond AG host.


• Hunter Not a Gladiator. A former Republican Presidential candidate. Or a gonzo journalist.


• Ice American Gladiator! Today, a real estate professional.



• Jade American Gladiator! (See Panther)...A Jade #2 was the first Gladiatrix to compete with "Big Hair." There was yet one more progenitor Jade, but her name is unknown. Here's her wikipedia entry: "competed in final episode of first half of season one as injury replacement for Sunny, never seen afterwards." I suspect foul play.


• Jazz American Gladiator! There was a second Jazz who is actually the first Jazz, but she seems as Jazzy as the Utah Jazz, which may explain a lot.


• Justice. And that's his real name, apparently. He has a similar situation as a fellow Gladiator below (see link)


• Kaplon Not a Gladiator. But is the referee.


• Lace American Gladiator! There was a second Lace...which would make Laces. Which I think is entirely different. I can see why this never worked out. Lace #1 was recently arrested on drug-related charges and is (on an hopefully unrelated note, and was briefly married to actor Michael Pare ("Eddie" from Eddie & The Cruisers).


• Laser American Gladiator! There is some dispute whether his name is "Laser" or "Lazer."


• Liberace Not a Gladiator. Definitely not a gladiator.


• Lightning American Gladiator! Also, a Klingon. Not joking.


• Malibu American Gladiator! And possibly, the lead singer to White Snake.


• Mayhem An American Gladiaor!


• Maximus Decimus Meridius Gladiator. Just not an American Gladiator.


• McGruber Not a Gladiator...but maybe he should be.


• Militia American Gladiator! With a history of poor decision-making and less-than-full disclosure to his employers.


• Nitro American Gladiator! Movie Director! Mountain Climber! Bull Rider!


• Panther American Gladiator! (See Jade)


• Pharaoh Not a Gladiator. In fact, he went mano-a-mano against competitor Moses on the Red Sea Challenge and did not qualify for the finals.


• Quake American Gladiator! Originally, his name was "Quaker," but a simple typo resulted in a much more intimidating moniker.


• Rage American Gladiator! What I imagine when I think of "bouncer"


• Raven American Gladiator! That's so Raven.


• Rebel American Gladiator! As I typed in 'mark tucker rebel gladiator' into google to learn more about him, I realized that it is highly unlikely anyone will ever Google 'bryan mcanally rebel gladiator'



• Sabre American Gladiator! Was also Jax Briggs in the Mortal Kombat Movie. Does not have cyber-robotic appendages.


• Salsa Not a Gladiator. A form of Latin dance, or a tomato-based condiment to be enjoyed with fresh tortilla chips. Not to be confused with Picante (also not a Gladiator), which uses cooked, rather than fresh, tomatoes.


• Siren American Gladiator! Sadly, took her own life on February 13, 2008. Siren was the only deaf AG.


• Sky American Gladiator! She was tall. Hence the name. Those casting folks were pretty clever.


• Spartacus Not a Gladiator. Well, he was. But not during sweeps week. I am Spartacus.


• Stealth American Gladiator! Here, Stealth writes about the symmetry goal of fitness/figure physique.


• Sting Not a Gladiator. But with every breath you take, he'll be watching you.


• Storm American Gladiator! And I think possibly Cotter's Kindergarten teacher. Kelli will have to confirm this.


• Sunny American Gladiator!


• Tank American Gladiator! There was another Tank later, neither of whom was apparently able to catalyze this role into a lucrative career endorsing the M1 Abrams or even BH Tanks.



• Tatanka Not a Gladiator. Lakota Indian word meaning "bull buffalo," which is still pretty cool, I guess.


• Thor American Gladiator! Check this out... Yesterday's Thor is today's Titan...which perhaps validates the Titanic theory below. There was a previous Thor, who today is part of FaithForce, an evangelistic muscle squad.


• Thunder American Gladiator! Remembered for heroics in the Atlasphere. At least that's the story


• Tigra - American Gladiator! She twisted her knee in her maiden competition. Unfortunately, she had to be put down.


• Titan American Gladiator! And, according to his myspace mood, he's 'stoked!'. There was an earlier Titan nee David Nelson, followed by a fellow named Bob as "Titan #2."I suspect his tan may not be natural. Legend has it that when a Titan is vanquished by a new Alpha Titan, the conquering Titan must eat the defeated foe, in belief of also consuming his superhuman strength.


• Toa American Gladiator! And cousin to Duane "The Rock" Johnson. I smell a cameo in Season 2!


• Tower American Gladiator! I remember thinking that he might just be a Baldwin brother who couldn't act. Then I learned that wasn't necessarily an obstacle for them.


• Turbo American Gladiator! Now a high school volleyball coach!


• Venom American Gladiator! Also, an author.
  Viper. And judging by the photo, early 80s president of the Olivia Newton John fan club.


• Wolf American Gladiator! This guy is awesome. Resembling Ted Nugent on HGH, Don "Hollywood" Yates, Wolf was also a rodeo clown and bull fighter.



• Xenon Not a Gladiator. A colorless, heavy, odorless noble gas, xenon occurs in the earth's atmosphere in trace amounts. That seems pretty tame, until you learn that it is occasionally used as a propellant for ion thrusters in spacecraft.


• Yosemite Not a Gladiator. A large national park in California, or a crazy rabbit-hating prospector. If he were a Gladiator, though, he'd be the roughest, toughest rootinest, tootinest baddest Gladiator west of the Pecos.


• Zap American Gladiator! Now an actress, has the much-coveted parts of "Bombshell" and "Waitress" in two upcoming movies.


• Zzyzzx Not a Gladiator. Literally, a road to nowhere, much like this blog entry.